Monday, August 01, 2005
Next on the list
The next "real" entries will be about a trail of blood, the problem of evil, and (what the hell) more on the problem of evil. Don't expect anything too deep on that one. As a protestant I am not sure I can delve too deeply on that one :)
Stuck in the Mud
We will start with our “friend” the saint being frustrated for being 30 years of age, and having yet to find the truth. Remember he started when he was 19…
“…I was not some thirty years old, and still ‘stuck in the same mud’ in my avid desire to enjoy things present, even though they tore me in so many directions; and all the time I said, ‘Wisdom ? I will discover it tomorrow. It will appear before my eyes, and I will lay hold on it… Rather, let us seek more diligently, and not despair.’ … “But where shall I seek it? When shall I seek it? Ambrose has no time to spare, and I have no time to read. And the books themselves – where will I seek them? Where and when shall I buy them? From whom shall I get them?’ – ‘I will set aside time, and allot certain hours to my soul’s welfare.’ … my mornings are taken up with my students; what do I do with the rest of my time? Why do I not make that my business?’ – ‘But when will I pay my greeting to my powerful friends, whose backing I need? When Will I prepare new merchandise for my students? What time will I find for my own refreshment and relaxation, after giving my mind to all these concerns?” (6.11.18)
Where do we find time? There always seems time to do things that are not worth our time and energy. We find time to fight with the ones that “love us” and do not forget to find time to drink and party. It seems to me that most of the world could use a lesson on time management. Not so more can be fit into our lives, but so we can reorganize so less items need direct attention. For example, after many years of engagement (to two separate people) I have found there is no reason to continuously fight with the significant other. It is a waste of time and energy. There is no need to worry about things that you cannot change. Lastly, there is absolutely NO reason to spend energy or time on ones who do not care enough about us to not to put us though that kind of hell.
Well enough of my ramblings… what does Augustine say in response to his “responsibilities” to the other mortals…
“’Let them all go hang! Let us cast them away, vain and hollow as they are. Let us betake ourselves to the quest for truth, and nothing else!’ – ‘Life is unhappy, death uncertain; it creeps up on us unexpectedly, and how can we escape it? Or where will we learn what we have neglected here? Will we not rather pay the penalty for our negligence?’ – ‘Suppose death itself cuts short and puts an end to all our senses, and all our cares with them? This question too, must be asked.’ – ‘But for be it that this should be so. It is not for nothing, not in vain that the authority of the Christian faith should stand so high, and be diffused throughout the whole world. Never would the divine power work so many or such great things for us, if the life of the soul were extinguished in the death of the body. Why, then, do we hesitate to abandon our worldly hope and betake ourselves to search for God, and for the blessed life?’ – ‘ But wait. Worldly things too are pleasant, and have no little charm of their own. It is no easy matter to cut short our striving for them, for it would be ridiculous to go back to them afterwards.’" … (6.11.19)
“…I was not some thirty years old, and still ‘stuck in the same mud’ in my avid desire to enjoy things present, even though they tore me in so many directions; and all the time I said, ‘Wisdom ? I will discover it tomorrow. It will appear before my eyes, and I will lay hold on it… Rather, let us seek more diligently, and not despair.’ … “But where shall I seek it? When shall I seek it? Ambrose has no time to spare, and I have no time to read. And the books themselves – where will I seek them? Where and when shall I buy them? From whom shall I get them?’ – ‘I will set aside time, and allot certain hours to my soul’s welfare.’ … my mornings are taken up with my students; what do I do with the rest of my time? Why do I not make that my business?’ – ‘But when will I pay my greeting to my powerful friends, whose backing I need? When Will I prepare new merchandise for my students? What time will I find for my own refreshment and relaxation, after giving my mind to all these concerns?” (6.11.18)
Where do we find time? There always seems time to do things that are not worth our time and energy. We find time to fight with the ones that “love us” and do not forget to find time to drink and party. It seems to me that most of the world could use a lesson on time management. Not so more can be fit into our lives, but so we can reorganize so less items need direct attention. For example, after many years of engagement (to two separate people) I have found there is no reason to continuously fight with the significant other. It is a waste of time and energy. There is no need to worry about things that you cannot change. Lastly, there is absolutely NO reason to spend energy or time on ones who do not care enough about us to not to put us though that kind of hell.
Well enough of my ramblings… what does Augustine say in response to his “responsibilities” to the other mortals…
“’Let them all go hang! Let us cast them away, vain and hollow as they are. Let us betake ourselves to the quest for truth, and nothing else!’ – ‘Life is unhappy, death uncertain; it creeps up on us unexpectedly, and how can we escape it? Or where will we learn what we have neglected here? Will we not rather pay the penalty for our negligence?’ – ‘Suppose death itself cuts short and puts an end to all our senses, and all our cares with them? This question too, must be asked.’ – ‘But for be it that this should be so. It is not for nothing, not in vain that the authority of the Christian faith should stand so high, and be diffused throughout the whole world. Never would the divine power work so many or such great things for us, if the life of the soul were extinguished in the death of the body. Why, then, do we hesitate to abandon our worldly hope and betake ourselves to search for God, and for the blessed life?’ – ‘ But wait. Worldly things too are pleasant, and have no little charm of their own. It is no easy matter to cut short our striving for them, for it would be ridiculous to go back to them afterwards.’" … (6.11.19)
Beauty
What is beauty? This is a grandfather holding his first grandchild! Is he excited, and scared. He has not held a baby in many years. He works on autos for a living and things nothing of a 2nd to 3rd degree burn. However, is this beauty?
What I did not yet see was that this great question turned upon your craftsmanship, O Almighty, who alone work wonders (Ps. 72.18 [Ps. 71.18], Ps. 136.4 [Ps. 135.4]). My mind was proceeding by means of corporeal forms; I defined the beautiful as being that which is harmonious in itself, and the congruent with some other object. This I distinguished between these terms, illustrating my distinction with the whole heap of examples drawn from the corporeal world. I then turned my attention to the nature of the mind, but the false opinion that I held about spiritual matters did not permit me to see the truth. (4.15.24)
Death and loving mortals
I do hope that the “loves” of my life do not read this entry. Funny thing is, I do not think that anyone reads this. Anyway, if you are one of the Gray boys… you may just want to stop reading :)
September of 2004, I lost a man who was so close to me. I did not realize how much he had changed my life, or how much I cared until he was gone. Life changed for his family in more drastic ways than it did for me, I know that I am on the outside of the family, but I did enjoy my time as his daughter. I have no words to express how I felt at that time, and no words to express how I feel now. All I know is going to his house, seeing his wife with another, watching his son put a heartless wretch before the family… all these things are like someone stabbing me in the chest. I see things the way he wanted it, so if things are not so, I get very angry. However, my feelings on the matter don’t matter. All that is left is my devotion to a family name that will soon leave me behind…
Here is the funny thing; here is what reminded me of my missing life:
“What pain darkened my heart! (Lam. 5.17). All that I saw was death. My hometown was torment to me, my home strangely cursed; all the things I had shared with him were, without him, transformed into grievous tortures. My eyes looked expectantly for him everywhere, but he was denied to their sight. I hated everything, because it did not contain him; could when he had been absent during his life. I became the object of my own investigation, and asked my soul repeatedly why it was sorrowful, and why did it trouble me so deeply; and it did not know what to say in return. And if I said, Hope in God (Ps. 42.5, II, Ps. 43.5 [Ps. 41.6, 12, Ps. 42.5]), It would not obey, and rightly; for the friend I had lost was, though a man, a thing more real and better than the illusion in witch I bade my soul trust. Weeping alone was sweet to me, and took the place of my friend among the pleasures of my mind.” (4.4.9)
This and almost a year, the wounds are healing. Good news.
“Time is not empty, nor does it wash over our senses without effect; it works wonders on the mind. For day to day it came and went, and coming and going engrafted other hopes and other memories within me. Little by little it restored me to my former kinds of pleasure, and my grief gave way before them. But in its place came not fresh griefs, but the seeds of them For why had my former grief been able to pierce me so easily and so deeply, if not because I had, as the saying goes, ‘ split my soul on the sand’ by loving a mortal as if he were immortal? What refreshed and renewed me most of all was the solace I derived from other friends, who shared my love for the thing I loved instead of you…” (4.8.13)
September of 2004, I lost a man who was so close to me. I did not realize how much he had changed my life, or how much I cared until he was gone. Life changed for his family in more drastic ways than it did for me, I know that I am on the outside of the family, but I did enjoy my time as his daughter. I have no words to express how I felt at that time, and no words to express how I feel now. All I know is going to his house, seeing his wife with another, watching his son put a heartless wretch before the family… all these things are like someone stabbing me in the chest. I see things the way he wanted it, so if things are not so, I get very angry. However, my feelings on the matter don’t matter. All that is left is my devotion to a family name that will soon leave me behind…
Here is the funny thing; here is what reminded me of my missing life:
“What pain darkened my heart! (Lam. 5.17). All that I saw was death. My hometown was torment to me, my home strangely cursed; all the things I had shared with him were, without him, transformed into grievous tortures. My eyes looked expectantly for him everywhere, but he was denied to their sight. I hated everything, because it did not contain him; could when he had been absent during his life. I became the object of my own investigation, and asked my soul repeatedly why it was sorrowful, and why did it trouble me so deeply; and it did not know what to say in return. And if I said, Hope in God (Ps. 42.5, II, Ps. 43.5 [Ps. 41.6, 12, Ps. 42.5]), It would not obey, and rightly; for the friend I had lost was, though a man, a thing more real and better than the illusion in witch I bade my soul trust. Weeping alone was sweet to me, and took the place of my friend among the pleasures of my mind.” (4.4.9)
This and almost a year, the wounds are healing. Good news.
“Time is not empty, nor does it wash over our senses without effect; it works wonders on the mind. For day to day it came and went, and coming and going engrafted other hopes and other memories within me. Little by little it restored me to my former kinds of pleasure, and my grief gave way before them. But in its place came not fresh griefs, but the seeds of them For why had my former grief been able to pierce me so easily and so deeply, if not because I had, as the saying goes, ‘ split my soul on the sand’ by loving a mortal as if he were immortal? What refreshed and renewed me most of all was the solace I derived from other friends, who shared my love for the thing I loved instead of you…” (4.8.13)
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Another long break...
Wow, this is sad! I have been so engaged with my own silly life that I have not had time to think about this stuff. I will be back next week. My goal is to start making posts several times a week... let us see.
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